I don’t need anyone – 1st

“I don’t need anyone”, ese pensamientos siempre viene a mi mente. Los humanos jamás vamos a cumplir. Las personas me van a lastimar y van a fallarme y va a ser una mierda total.

Habrán momentos que no tengo a quien llamar cuando estoy feliz y menos cuando estoy triste. Nunca he tenido un grupo de amigos cercanos, no suelo tener un grupo de personas constante. Porque siempre terminan de una u otra manera haciéndome sentir mal o yo sientiendo que no les importo o no los quiero molestar. Que no soy parte.

La verdad… es que es más fácil fingir y sonreír. Pero en lo momento que estamos solos… no hay a quien engañar. Es más fácil decir “I don’t need anyone” y es cierto, pero no quiero. Duele mucho más el estar sola, el no tener a nadie, el fingir estar bien siempre.

The unfairness of love

Sometimes life and love are not fair, they tend to give us challenges, punishments, and temptations. They choose to show and let us be close to what we want and wish, but never permiting us have it. It takes all of our strength to not move, touch or speak, and it can be mistaken by fear, pride, or inner judgment.

So I stand up today and say it out loud because I cannot continue under the unfairness.  It’s not fair. It’s not fair that I cannot touch you, speak to you, see you, or hug you every time I want. I feel a pain in my chest and my breath goes away every moment you are around, the sound of your voice or a glance of your silhouette; that I have memorized by heart.

I know why it is; I know you are close, and my heart cannot understand why you are not looking at me or desiring me as much as he does. You are close, hanging around, but not enough for my craving to be satiated.

It’s not fair to live in that unknown of what to do, think and how to act. One minute it seems like the attraction is mutual and our souls are in the same channel, other it seems like we are so apart we even are in different planets. I want to hold your hand as long as I want and that we can speak so much our throats hurt. I want to to all this and more in the most simple and sane way possible.

I want to let me feel you and grant you permission to you explore me in every way you wish, let the unknown go away; allow our feelings come and speak for themselves. But it does not matter how much I want things to be or how much my heart squeezes himself, some situations will not change and come clear.

Speaking all of this I may not change anything of the world around me or it’s unfairness. What really changes is me, I no longer have to be silent and keep everything I want to tell you and the world. I can finally be honest with myself and stop playing as all useless and defenseless against my life and my love for you and others.

-LCA

Future choices

Sometimes I become afraid of the choices I have to make in my life. I feel insecure of what the future holds for me. I’m terrified of how I will change other lives, mostly in a bad way, cause let’s accept it if it was in a positive way I wouldn’t hesitate. I cannot stop thinking of the consequences that may come from those choices, how they can affect me and the people surrounding me, how it will change our roles in this drama called life with lots of laughter, tears, adventures, secrets, opportunities, failure and more.

I wish I could stop time, so that I could take it slower and calmer but I know two truths to that statement.

  • Number one, if I could stop time, I would probably stop time forever. Make it mine and savour it in my palms as much as I want. 
  • Number two, it is not possible to do that, so I shall not think about it. I should not waste my energy on irrational thinking.

I stand on my knees pleading the Lord to guide me. He can stop time and he has more knowledge than anyone, he the all mighty that is looking and protecting me all the time. I ask you humilated to take my life and do with it whatever you want, and give me the strength and confidence I need in order to cope with the life you have given me. Cause we both know I cannot do this alone, but with you I can move foward.

The time between us

How to stop time= kiss
How to travel time= read
How to escape time= music
How to feel time= write
How to release time= breath

“I want to be escaping time with you in the endless nights, while we travel time through our eyes and feel time in the proximity of our skin, and every time we stop time we feel like it’s the first time in awhile that we release it.” – LCA